Last weekend had one of the best news weekends ever! No, not because Osama bin Laden got his comeuppance, not because of that stooooopid wedding (although Princess Beatrice had me hypnotised with her fascinator), it’s that January Jones, from Mad Men and the new X-Men, has a bun in her oven and won’t say who the baker is. Now this leads me to believe that there are two AMAZING possibilities:1. she is really embarrassed about the identity of the baby daddy or 2. hot mess don’t know. I bow my head to you January Jones, for stealing the thunder from not only The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, but Osama Bin Laden too!
Frosty the Snow Bitch
January Jones first appeared on my horizon as Frosty the Snow Bitch, I mean Betty Draper, in Mad Men. Now Frosty quickly became my favourite character on the show because she reminded me of the women who live in my hometown of Greenwich, Connecticut. Yes I know the Drapers live in Ossining, New York, but for all intensive purposes it’s the same damn thing. For those of you not in the know,Greenwich is an extremely affluent suburb of New York City and is known for having a large number of people who regularly engage in the rectal transport of steel rods. To put it in a better perspective, it is the town where they filmed the Nicole Kidman version of Stepford Wives.
One of my favourite childhood stories is the tale of one Greenwich wife (who met her older Wall Street hedge fund husband while working as an airline stewardess, bless her heart) who was over-served one night at a dinner party and fell down a flight of stairs. Now Drunky thought she was the Queen of Greenwich, and acted as such, despite the fact that she was the lead character in a real-life production of Coffee, Tea, or Me. Now this was the kind of woman that wore Versace to the gym, Drove a Mercedes G-Wagen and had 2 nannies for her only child, so descending a staircase on her well toned ass is not her usual M.O. Her little fall would have gone completely un-noticed except for the fact that she landed in front of one of my mother’s good friends, a blue-blood brit who has very little respect for fake women, particularly bottle-blonde stewardesses who snare married men. So it was only natural that she looked down her nose, sighed, and muttered in her perfect English accent “pathetic”. Now I bring this story up only because I could TOTALLY see Frosty doing the exact same thing.
I mistakenly assumed that January herself was a Connecticut WASP who just happened to land the perfect job playing the 1950′s version of herself. Little did I know that Frosty the Snow Bitch was not what she seemed! In fact, she is a crazy from South Dakota, who grew up on a farm. In my mind her journey down hot mess boulevard began at birth, as she was named after a character in a book who, how do I put this politely, gets plugged more than a surge protector. According to a November 2009 Interview in GQ “Her parents plucked it [her name] from the lead character in Jacqueline Susann’s Once Is Not Enough, a romantic novel that climaxes with a drug-fuelled, ellipsis-filled orgy. (‘Someone was spreading her legs…in and out…in and out…fuck…suck…everyone was loving her.’ January: ‘Imagine realising you’re named after that character.’)” I have a feeling the name is what started Miss Jones’s descent into hot mess land.
That ain’t a walk of shame, thats a stride of pride.
My love for this nutcase grew like the Grinches heart as I found out she likes to throw a 12 pack of Coors Light down her throat on a regular basis (her record is 26), go to Chili’s and watch Football. In another great story from the GQ interview she describes getting so hammered on a plane that she and a friend were chewing snuff and playing quarters. Who would guess that she was subsequently cut off by the flight attendants. This is definitely not a WASP from Connecticut. Oh yeah, she also really likes fire. Now this is a gal after my own heart!
Surge Protector, I mean January, tumbled deeper into hot mess land last year when she decided to take out some parked cars with her Land Rover at 3AM. Now I’m not one to talk smack about anyones driving ability, as I fail at it on a regular basis, but it’s what she did AFTER those parked cars just came out of nowhere that’s more than a little amazing. According to TMZ She called 911, gave a random person her driver’s licence, went home (need a mint?), came back, and called: Allstate… no, her manager… nope , her publicist… incorrect, John Hamm… guess again, She called the person you should always call after taking out a couple of parked cars, Mr. Iron Chef himself BOBBY FLAY. Next time I crash a car Sandra Lee better show up with a destroyed Saab themed table setting.
Okay so BOBBY FRIGGIN FLAY adds a whole new dimension of crazy to January’s hot mess blizzard. Now the randomness of him showing up did not go by unnoticed, and in doing some quick internet research it turns out that despite both of their protests that they had only met earlier that night at a party, someone has a picture of them together waisty faced in Las Vegas on Facebook, which can be seen here . LOVE IT. Now I am not one to make false accusations but it appears that these two have some sort of connection and I don’t think January is getting cooking lessons. I do have to question her taste (no pun intended), she looks like Grace Kelly, and could land any man on the planet, and Bobby Flay looks like an assistant manager at a Radio Shack, plus HE IS MARRIED!
Now cut to many months later and the night before one of the biggest news events of the decade, January issues a statement that says basically, she’s with child, due in the fall and is looking forward to being a single mother. Now what is missing from that sentence, I know! Who contributed the sperm to her egg. Clever girl! She thought that nobody would notice that missing detail because the wedding of the decade was just hours away. Osama’s perfectly timed death must of sent her over the moon. Now the lack of any mention of a sperm donor did not slip by me! Oh No! I read that press release of joy and IMMEDIATELY went to the internet to investigate.
Now I knew that she was dating Jason Sudeikis from Saturday Night Live for a while but they broke up in January (the month), so he is only a possibility. Now my mind wonders back to the aforementioned car crash and BOBBY FLAY, gross, and me thinks there is a slight chance he put the bun in her oven (maybe he was giving her cooking lessons after all). Then, my intrepid research skills found a nugget of joy. She may or may not be/had been screwing JEREMY PIVEN link here. (Side note: this girl really has strange taste in men). So as you can see there are many possibilities as to who put the bun in that easy-bake oven.
Logic to me says that it’s probably Jason Sudeikis’s kid but I kinda hope that it is Bobby Flay’s because that would just make the story so much more fun, and that’s all that really matters. Also, I expect that being the master of hiding under major news stories, she pushes that baby out on 9/11/11. YOU JUST WATCH, I know I will be waiting with bated breath.
Last weekend had one of the best news weekends ever! No, not because Osama bin Laden got his comeuppance, not because of that stooooopid wedding (although Princess Beatrice had me hypnotised with her fascinator), it’s that January Jones, from Mad Men and the new X-Men, has a bun in her oven and won’t say who the baker is. Now this leads me to believe that there are two AMAZING possibilities:1. she is really embarrassed about the identity of the baby daddy or 2. hot mess don’t know. I bow my head to you January Jones, for stealing the thunder from not only The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, but Osama Bin Laden too!
Frosty the Snow Bitch
January Jones first appeared on my horizon as Frosty the Snow Bitch, I mean Betty Draper, in Mad Men. Now Frosty quickly became my favourite character on the show because she reminded me of the women who live in my hometown of Greenwich, Connecticut. Yes I know the Drapers live in Ossining, New York, but for all intensive purposes it’s the same damn thing. For those of you not in the know,Greenwich is an extremely affluent suburb of New York City and is known for having a large number of people who regularly engage in the rectal transport of steel rods. To put it in a better perspective, it is the town where they filmed the Nicole Kidman version of Stepford Wives.
One of my favourite childhood stories is the tale of one Greenwich wife (who met her older Wall Street hedge fund husband while working as an airline stewardess, bless her heart) who was over-served one night at a dinner party and fell down a flight of stairs. Now Drunky thought she was the Queen of Greenwich, and acted as such, despite the fact that she was the lead character in a real-life production of Coffee, Tea, or Me. Now this was the kind of woman that wore Versace to the gym, Drove a Mercedes G-Wagen and had 2 nannies for her only child, so descending a staircase on her well toned ass is not her usual M.O. Her little fall would have gone completely un-noticed except for the fact that she landed in front of one of my mother’s good friends, a blue-blood brit who has very little respect for fake women, particularly bottle-blonde stewardesses who snare married men. So it was only natural that she looked down her nose, sighed, and muttered in her perfect English accent “pathetic”. Now I bring this story up only because I could TOTALLY see Frosty doing the exact same thing.
I mistakenly assumed that January herself was a Connecticut WASP who just happened to land the perfect job playing the 1950′s version of herself. Little did I know that Frosty the Snow Bitch was not what she seemed! In fact, she is a crazy from South Dakota, who grew up on a farm. In my mind her journey down hot mess boulevard began at birth, as she was named after a character in a book who, how do I put this politely, gets plugged more than a surge protector. According to a November 2009 Interview in GQ “Her parents plucked it [her name] from the lead character in Jacqueline Susann’s Once Is Not Enough, a romantic novel that climaxes with a drug-fuelled, ellipsis-filled orgy. (‘Someone was spreading her legs…in and out…in and out…fuck…suck…everyone was loving her.’ January: ‘Imagine realising you’re named after that character.’)” I have a feeling the name is what started Miss Jones’s descent into hot mess land.
That ain’t a walk of shame, thats a stride of pride.
My love for this nutcase grew like the Grinches heart as I found out she likes to throw a 12 pack of Coors Light down her throat on a regular basis (her record is 26), go to Chili’s and watch Football. In another great story from the GQ interview she describes getting so hammered on a plane that she and a friend were chewing snuff and playing quarters. Who would guess that she was subsequently cut off by the flight attendants. This is definitely not a WASP from Connecticut. Oh yeah, she also really likes fire. Now this is a gal after my own heart!
Surge Protector, I mean January, tumbled deeper into hot mess land last year when she decided to take out some parked cars with her Land Rover at 3AM. Now I’m not one to talk smack about anyones driving ability, as I fail at it on a regular basis, but it’s what she did AFTER those parked cars just came out of nowhere that’s more than a little amazing. According to TMZ She called 911, gave a random person her driver’s licence, went home (need a mint?), came back, and called: Allstate… no, her manager… nope , her publicist… incorrect, John Hamm… guess again, She called the person you should always call after taking out a couple of parked cars, Mr. Iron Chef himself BOBBY FLAY. Next time I crash a car Sandra Lee better show up with a destroyed Saab themed table setting.
Okay so BOBBY FRIGGIN FLAY adds a whole new dimension of crazy to January’s hot mess blizzard. Now the randomness of him showing up did not go by unnoticed, and in doing some quick internet research it turns out that despite both of their protests that they had only met earlier that night at a party, someone has a picture of them together waisty faced in Las Vegas on Facebook, which can be seen here . LOVE IT. Now I am not one to make false accusations but it appears that these two have some sort of connection and I don’t think January is getting cooking lessons. I do have to question her taste (no pun intended), she looks like Grace Kelly, and could land any man on the planet, and Bobby Flay looks like an assistant manager at a Radio Shack, plus HE IS MARRIED!
Now cut to many months later and the night before one of the biggest news events of the decade, January issues a statement that says basically, she’s with child, due in the fall and is looking forward to being a single mother. Now what is missing from that sentence, I know! Who contributed the sperm to her egg. Clever girl! She thought that nobody would notice that missing detail because the wedding of the decade was just hours away. Osama’s perfectly timed death must of sent her over the moon. Now the lack of any mention of a sperm donor did not slip by me! Oh No! I read that press release of joy and IMMEDIATELY went to the internet to investigate.
Now I knew that she was dating Jason Sudeikis from Saturday Night Live for a while but they broke up in January (the month), so he is only a possibility. Now my mind wonders back to the aforementioned car crash and BOBBY FLAY, gross, and me thinks there is a slight chance he put the bun in her oven (maybe he was giving her cooking lessons after all). Then, my intrepid research skills found a nugget of joy. She may or may not be/had been screwing JEREMY PIVEN link here. (Side note: this girl really has strange taste in men). So as you can see there are many possibilities as to who put the bun in that easy-bake oven.
Logic to me says that it’s probably Jason Sudeikis’s kid but I kinda hope that it is Bobby Flay’s because that would just make the story so much more fun, and that’s all that really matters. Also, I expect that being the master of hiding under major news stories, she pushes that baby out on 9/11/11. YOU JUST WATCH, I know I will be waiting with bated breath.